January 9, 2015
This is my first blog post of the new year, so Happy 2015! On January 6th, I changed my cover Facebook photo to a Benjamin Franklin quote that I find especially inspiring this year, “Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better person.”
As the new year began, it was not really very good. Sometimes the smallest thing brings up a stab to the chest when your oldest child has died and I experienced that moment and then was really awful to the Bailey and Chris. Dealing with all the emotions of daily life is not necessarily easy, but add the death of your oldest child or any of your children and things get compounded. As I have said before, we all grieve differently, we all process things differently and our relationships with our children are different. So, no one in my house is on the same page and I get that and always have...at times its just so hard, I keep so much bottled up and I know they do too...my outlet is this blog and I am thankful for everyone that reads it. Things quickly improved in our house with some good communication.
This week has been extemely long! Some really positive things happened early in the week. I think overall as a family, we have had a good week...I am very involved in the pediatric oncology world. Some of you may remember that there was a little 4 year old girl that received, literally the second I Pad Mini gifted from The Christian Bryant Foundation. I did not go up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) that day because I knew I had reached my limit of what I could handle and needed to leave. On December 5, 2014 I headed up to PICU at T.C. Thompson Children’s Hospital right after I dropped off Bailey at GPS. I had a special delivery for the precious 4 year old princess that received the second I Pad Mini I was delivering a huge blow up snowman that was a gift from one of the generous Christian Bryant Foundation donors. This day was such a gift for me! I will never forget the excitement on the beautiful 4 year old Princess’s face when she uncovered her eyes and saw the huge snowman! But what I will hear over and over in my head is this....the beautiful princess, decided she was ready to see the PICU Christmas tree, as she walked out of her room (right next door to the room Christian died in), she turned to me and said, “Thank You, Merry Chirstmas!” I was in tears and I quickly exited PICU, but I have thought about this princess and her words so much...very early yesterday morning, this princess won her battle and entered Heaven’s gates. This princess was only 4 years old, but she left an amazing impact on everyone that had the honor of meeting her. I spoke at length with her Daddy today and he told me about how he thinks the princess and Christian are having a big time in her big pink castle. I was in tears listening to her Daddy talk today....Like Christian, this child made an impact on everyone that came in contact with her....but this child maybe even more than Christian, because she was always awake and able to communicate until the very end of her earthly life. Earlier tonight I was talking with someone very involved in pediatric oncology and she made the statement “everything happens for a reason” I hate that statement! We talked about it some and that is a comfort statement for her because she sees so much suffering and death....how do you understand and deal with children dying frequently? I do not know the answer to that....
Yesterday, I had an incredibly positive productive meeting with some very key people at T.C. Thompson Children’s Hospital....I think I am finally ready to get on board and be part of a big change. I guess, I feel like my voice is finally truly being heard about Children’s. I went through my list of nurse needs and needs I see...I know I was heard!
T.C. Thompson nurses, I will forever be your advocate! At Children’s I was a parent first until Christian left us on May 26, 2012...But I have been a Nurse for over 26 years now and I understand the demands and needs better than any parent that has ever had the devastating experience I have...So, I am in the game now, I will speak my mind frankly and honestly and always speak the the truth! I have nothing to loose, I am still a parent, not an employee...but it’s time for change...the ride will not be fast, like I would would prefer, but right now I am committed to the long haul...there are some key factors that could reverse it all, but I have made that very clear. There are some big events coming of for Christian’s Foundation...stay tuned...”Love Deeply, Forgive Often and Find your Blessings.” - Robyn Bryant