July 21, 2014

by Robyn Bryant


July 21, 2014

 

How do you survive the loss of a child?  I ask myself that question frequently and somedays the answer is easier and some days harder....this weekend was one of my difficult times...The dfficult days make it hard to get out of bed, to communicate with anyone that you love deeply, you are literally immobilized with sorrow and grief, it comes out of no where, the tight chest, the uncontrollable tears, the anger, the need to blame everyone that crosses your path of some wrong doing...in reality...this has been building for weeks for me...but surfaced this past Saturday and Sunday.  I honestly hate these feelings and hate the thoughts that run through my head.  My Mother called over the weekend and I just could not answer!  I knew I would just cry and I was trying to keep my feelings from Chris and Bailey at this point....I sent her a message saying I was just not able to talk...and she is wonderful and respected my feelings and request.  Monday, did not bring sunshine in North Georgia, but it did bring a busy day.  Bailey was scheduled for her last volunteer day at T.C. Thompson Chidlren’s, I dropped her off well before 9 a.m. and then headed to work.  My work is always a little sporadic, but a little more so since my ankle injury.  Today, my ankle was feeling better and I was anxious for the distraction of work.  I am blessed with awesome co workers, a good boss and very good executives that support our department and hospital.  So, today, like most days, I am surviving the loss of my beautiful daughter, Christian.  Our family, had the opportunity to spend some precious time with someone that is really part of our family this evening, Kathryn Bryant...we watched a video on the large screen of her and her brother, Nathan, Aunt Mary and her Mimi (Betty Wright) sky diving Saturday.  It was incredible!!!!!  I am terrified of heights, but made me want to sky dive....anyone game????  Tomorrow morning, I will be having a much needed surgery.  I am having my gallbladder removed.  I have an excellent surgeon.  I have no idea who my nurses or anesthesia team will be...prior to Christian being sick, anesthesia really scared me and I worked in surgery for the first 6 years of my nursing career.  Anesthesia became just part of pediatric oncolgy procedures and thankfully it always went well..  After Christian died, one of my oncology Mama friends would say when her child was going to be put to sleep...he will visit with his angels today....a unique thought.  Tomorrow, I really have no fears, but I pray that I have a speedy recovery and my ankle continues to heal and I can exercise very soon!  I have not been put to “sleep” in over 13 years....I am am a little curious if I will just sleep deeply or maybe, hopefully, go deeper and meet some angels...just a thought, probably sounds extremely odd...we will see what happens....I am blessed with Chris and Bailey and with good friends that will help out the next few days.  Blessings to you all - Robyn