June 22, 2014, Evening
I have to say, since moving into our new home, I feel more at peace and more settled. This past week, I had some “moments” that tightened my chest and brought quick tears to my eyes....everywhere I went, I could see Christian...one distinct moment was Thursday afternoon late, I left the Walnut Ave Kroger and needed to get to Taylor Tire, so I turned right and took a left to cut through Brookwood...the hill that I was on, was one that Christian ran numerous times while doing summer running...this was her “hill” workout....last Thursday, I could see her so plainly down to the cut of her muscles in her upper legs as she ran...I could have pulled over and just sobbed, but I was on a mission and needed to be at Taylor Tire before 5 p.m. Well, walking in there, I thought of all the times that Christian took her own vehicle in to have her tires rotated, even after she was diagnosed with cancer....it seems like everywhere I went last week, memories of Christian flooded in....I think I will miss her with every part of me forever.
That said, we have had some good times this past week! Chris is such a worker, he never sits for very long...he has worked in the yard, painted Bailey’s bedroom...Bailey and I have had some great bonding time and have I have loved her time with me cooking! She made another great meal tonight!
Tomorrow morning, I will turn 48. I feel every day of 48 and then some...I remember, right before I turned 40, on May 29, 2006, I walked into my Daddy’s hospital room and told him, I would see him in another 40 years! That day, Christian was 12 and Bailey was 7....they, along with Chris and my Mother and siblings were all in the room with my Daddy. He was awake and alert and talk to all of us individually....Daddy’s death was very peaceful. At that point in my nursing career, I had seen a lot of people die, and I knew I would miss my Daddy, but he was 75, he did not suffer at all and he had a good life...Shortly, after Daddy died, I was at Kroger pumping gas and my physician pulled up and ask about Daddy (my yearly appt with him was the day we found out Daddy had a lung mass). I briefly told him about Daddy’s last hours and he said, “it does not get any better than that.” He was right, Daddy’s death was “right order” and peaceful without any suffering or loss of dignity. Less than a month later the day after I turned 40, my physician was killed in a tragic bicycle accident. I would have never thought at this age, I would be turning another year older without one of my children...this is my 3rd Birthday without Christian. It is just not right! her death was not “right order”....I think that day she died it was peaceful...but the days and months prior were full of suffering, loss of dignity, things, no child should have to experience. So all this said, tomorrow, I will turn another year older...I am blessed! I had wonderful parents, My Mother continues to be vital part of my life, I have 2 siblings (my baby sister is due to have a baby anyday, I am hoping she will deliver on my Birthday), I have an amazing husband, and 2 fabulous daughters! I was blessed to have Christian for 18 1/2 years and I pray that I have Bailey for the rest of my life!!!!! Tomorrow, I think I may try to have a walk with a friend, spend some time working in my home and then enjoy a meal with my small family. I am thankful for so much...but everyday, forever I will miss beautiful Christian! Remember, everyday is a gift!